I've been meaning to write this post for a long time but have been putting it off for some reason. Probably because the allure of staring at Facebook or Pinterest in my few spare moments has overcome my desire to do anything meaningful. It's taken moths to write and the longer it's taken the more I feel like this is needed. I have been worried it might come across as preachy, condescending, or know-it-all feeling since I've been a mom for such a short time. I write things like this to solve my own problems and hope my experience helps others along the way. What I have to say has been said many times before, more eloquently and by cooler people but I'm going to say it again anyway because it needs to be said. A lot. So here it goes:
It had been a horrible horrible week. It was one for the record books. There were so many times this week that I was certain that I was the worst mother ever. I felt so betrayed. Betrayed by my body, betrayed by my daughters immune system, betrayed by myself. i Had been stressed out about other personal things that I couldn't fix. I wondered (perhaps somewhat dramatically) how much more can I take? How many more burdens can I bear? I found myself struggling to find hope and faith.
I could find all kinds of reasons why I was failing at everything. My daughter was screaming in pain with sickness and I couldn't comfort her. I suck at my calling. I should have more faith, my problems would be nothing if I just believed more. I should be more outgoing. I should take better care of my friends. I should be studying psychology more so I don't get rusty. Scarlett doesn't eat enough vegetables. My poor husband deserves a better wife who isn't sick and tired all the time.
Honestly I could go on and on about all of the things I felt like were wrong about me but that is whiny and who wants to hear more about that?
I fell into the trap that a lot of people fall into, thinking that problems in life are not normal and since I have a lot of them obviously I suck at life. A life without problems is not a life at all, it's a fantasy. The nature of life and progress is full of challenges that we have to confront. We have to fail sometimes. We have to get uncomfortable and we have to forgive ourselves for not living up to impossible standards. The truth is we don't have control over things a lot of the time and that's just the way it is. I feel like we are taught these lessons over and over again in our lives but we just don't get it.
It isn't just me either. I have seen so many women on Facebook feeling utterly defeated by the daunting challenge of motherhood. They are in the back of the chapel and in the hallways on Sunday trying to calm their over emotional kids, holding back tears. In the grocery store moms are taming screaming kids who just don't understand why they can't have something while enduring the judgmental stares of others. These women question every one of their choices. They hate their bodies, the cleanliness of their homes, and their inability to accomplish tasks they deem important. I saw a video from the Truth bombs mom and she talked about how we say things to ourselves that we would never imagine saying to other people. Would you seriously judge a friend of yours for falling short of the same standards you hold yourself to? Nope.
Something I have tried to remind myself of when my daughter and I are having a rough day is this-- she is a little person who is trying to learn to be good. She doesn't care how I look. She doesn't care if the house looks like a pinterest pin or a store after Black Friday. She doesn't hate me when she throws a fit; she doesn't know an appropriate way to express her emotions yet. That's what all kids are learning to do. They are learning to function in a world of challenges that seem overwhelming. I can't speak for older children but I remember being daunted by things as a teen that seemed huge then that are small to me now. It doesn't stop when we reach adulthood, we still are faced with things that test our skills. Everyone is learning how to do something, so it is completely unreasonable for us to judge ourselves when life is about learning.
I don't know how to be a perfect mom and I don't think I ever will be. I know that I can be a good one though. I know that I can show my daughter that I love her and that I will do my best to keep her happy, healthy, and safe; these are things she actually cares about and needs. Some days I will fall short in some areas and others I am going to do great. My husband and the people who love me don't love me only when I succeed, they love me even when I fail. Most importantly, your savior loves you more perfectly then anyone else. He will always love you because you are his sister and God is your Father. He is always waiting for you to turn to Him not matter what. So Mama if you are feeling overwhelmed and that you are failing remember that you are learning too. The very wise Jeffery R. Holland said "To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle-- and all will-- be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are."
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