So I have been thinking a lot about something that happened to me earlier this week. My relief society presidency came to see me on Sunday since my husband and I just moved into a new ward a few weeks ago. She was very polite and friendly and was easy to talk to. As we were talking somehow it came up that she was a little insecure and was a little hard on herself. When I heard this I was really shocked. All I could think was why in the heck was she? I saw absolutely nothing about this woman that should cause her to be insecure.
the very next day I saw the same woman at a memorial day BBQ and was further surprised by what I saw there. She told the funniest stories, I cannot remember laughing so hard for a long time! I saw her children there looking into her eyes with obvious admiration and love. She talked to other guests with the greatest of ease and by the end of the evening I was totally jealous of her. I could not believe that this awesome woman was so hard on herself and I seriously wanted to let her know that she should be proud of who she is. I didn't though because it seemed weird at the time. Unlike writing about her in a blog post, you know, because that isn't weird at all (written with heavy amounts of sarcasm).
Before I start to sound really weird, I want to let you know that this post isn't about this one woman. It is about all of us. It is becoming increasingly rare to meet person who doesn't have something about themselves that they really just hate. I have heard numberless mothers say they are failures. I have talked to countless women who's mirrors and scales fill them with masochistic ambitions. I have know multitudes of people who think that there isn't anything special about them. I have been there myself and it really is a terrible feeling. Every time I hear people talk about themselves this way I am always surprised. I see these people as mothers who give everything to their kids and really should look at the amazing things they have accomplished and pat themselves on the back. I see people who look healthy and attractive and who should not let a number on a scale determine how beautiful they are. I see people who have a great deal of intelligence who have talents I could only dream of. Other people see these things in them too but how is it they cannot see it? How is it we can so easily see beauty, talent, and goodness in others then look at ourselves and sigh?
When did self-loathing become so normal? I know not everyone suffers from issues like this and I got to say way to go to those who don't! To everyone else I want to seriously congratulate you on being yourself. God did not make you into Jennifer Lawrence on purpose, he made you into you because he wanted someone like you on the earth. He gave you weaknesses so that you could learn how to become strong. This life isn't about being perfect, it is about working on it as best you can. See yourself as you are, flaws and all, and know that you are lovable. Please stop thinking of yourself so harshly because there is someone out there who is looking at you and thinking, "Wow, I wish I was like you."
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
I Didn't See it Coming
So here is the truth about this blog. The reason I write this blog is that it is a kind of informal therapy to me. I usually have a problem and I find that if I write out advice to myself it helps me know what to do. If it just so happens that you, the reader, have a similar problem and are helped out by this post I'm glad of it. Well as you have probably already surmised I have a problem, and it is probably the biggest and hardest one I have ever faced so far.
As many of you know, I have serious academic ambitions. For almost ten years now my greatest desire has been to attend graduate school and get a degree in either social work or psychology. With the exception of a happy marriage, it was my greatest desire. So I did the work necessary to go, I killed my self in undergraduate schooling and graduated with a 3.84 in the behavioral sciences. I did volunteer work and researched the differences between social work and psychology; ultimately deciding that I wanted to pursue social work. So in November I sent off my hopes and dreams in a manila envelope and anxiously waited for response. That response came on Wednesday. I was rejected. Naturally I was surprised and disappointed that my first attempt was unsuccessful. When I informed others they gave me kind encouragement and tried to help me plan how to better prepare for next time. One of these good friends suggested that I get a blessing from my husband when he got home from work and I readily agreed to it.
He came home and gave me a powerful blessing that changed everything. I thought I knew what to expect. Encouragement and guidance on where to go and what to do so that I could go next year, but I was wrong. My blessing not only did not contain any of these things but it told me that God had work for me to do and that if I went to graduate school I could not accomplish it. Graduate school was a good path, but not my path and that I had to give up my dreams if I wanted to bless others. When the blessing was over both of us were shocked. I could not believe it. I had been certain that God wanted this for me. The guidance I received in this blessing hurt so much more than the rejection letter I received did.
I wish I could tell you that I acted like the good and great in story, but I didn't. I am not an angry or violent person at all. I hate violent movies and flinch at anger but not this time. I went into the kitchen, carefully selected our old crappy dishes and proceeded to smash all of them. I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to take my collection of psychology-related books and light them on fire. I felt all of the pain of losing a beloved friend. I felt betrayed and wronged. I could not understand how my God could let me believe that I could go onto graduate school for so long and not tell me that it would never happen. I felt like nothing, I felt like no one.
My poor husband watched me destroy our old college dishes in obvious sorrow. When I was done turned to him in utter despair and asked, "What do I do now?" He took me in his arms and whispered, "We will figure it out together."
The next day I was angry still. I could not reconcile what had happened. It felt like God and pulled a bait and switch on me, but I knew God did not work that way. I questioned if God had tried to tell me I was going the wrong way and I could not recall a single instance. I still do not understand this and you know what? Maybe that isn't what is important. Perhaps I will never know.
What I do know is this:
After a lot of praying and crying I felt the spirit whisper this question, "If you did go to school would you be happy?"
I think I can safely claim that the spirit does not waste time with complicated explanations or grand displays. Its power has strength that does not make itself impressive by thunderous excess but rather by its soft simplicity.
I knew the answer to this question was no, I would not be truly happy. I found myself saying, "Okay God. Okay," and it was okay. It is okay.
I still do not know what God has in store for me and I feel, ironically, like that lost kid on the first day of school.
I know someday I will look back on this time and see the purposeful hand of the lord guiding me to something else, something greater. I can not see what it is yet but I have faith that it is there. If you find your dreams have shattered and you face the the utter bewilderment of the unseen and the unknown know this: there is meaning in the seemingly madness. We can walk by faith in this life or we can stumble and fall. There is hope for the lost, the depressed, and for the frightened. I really do believe this. I hope it is not inappropriate to conclude this post in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
As many of you know, I have serious academic ambitions. For almost ten years now my greatest desire has been to attend graduate school and get a degree in either social work or psychology. With the exception of a happy marriage, it was my greatest desire. So I did the work necessary to go, I killed my self in undergraduate schooling and graduated with a 3.84 in the behavioral sciences. I did volunteer work and researched the differences between social work and psychology; ultimately deciding that I wanted to pursue social work. So in November I sent off my hopes and dreams in a manila envelope and anxiously waited for response. That response came on Wednesday. I was rejected. Naturally I was surprised and disappointed that my first attempt was unsuccessful. When I informed others they gave me kind encouragement and tried to help me plan how to better prepare for next time. One of these good friends suggested that I get a blessing from my husband when he got home from work and I readily agreed to it.
He came home and gave me a powerful blessing that changed everything. I thought I knew what to expect. Encouragement and guidance on where to go and what to do so that I could go next year, but I was wrong. My blessing not only did not contain any of these things but it told me that God had work for me to do and that if I went to graduate school I could not accomplish it. Graduate school was a good path, but not my path and that I had to give up my dreams if I wanted to bless others. When the blessing was over both of us were shocked. I could not believe it. I had been certain that God wanted this for me. The guidance I received in this blessing hurt so much more than the rejection letter I received did.
I wish I could tell you that I acted like the good and great in story, but I didn't. I am not an angry or violent person at all. I hate violent movies and flinch at anger but not this time. I went into the kitchen, carefully selected our old crappy dishes and proceeded to smash all of them. I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to take my collection of psychology-related books and light them on fire. I felt all of the pain of losing a beloved friend. I felt betrayed and wronged. I could not understand how my God could let me believe that I could go onto graduate school for so long and not tell me that it would never happen. I felt like nothing, I felt like no one.
My poor husband watched me destroy our old college dishes in obvious sorrow. When I was done turned to him in utter despair and asked, "What do I do now?" He took me in his arms and whispered, "We will figure it out together."
The next day I was angry still. I could not reconcile what had happened. It felt like God and pulled a bait and switch on me, but I knew God did not work that way. I questioned if God had tried to tell me I was going the wrong way and I could not recall a single instance. I still do not understand this and you know what? Maybe that isn't what is important. Perhaps I will never know.
What I do know is this:
After a lot of praying and crying I felt the spirit whisper this question, "If you did go to school would you be happy?"
I think I can safely claim that the spirit does not waste time with complicated explanations or grand displays. Its power has strength that does not make itself impressive by thunderous excess but rather by its soft simplicity.
I knew the answer to this question was no, I would not be truly happy. I found myself saying, "Okay God. Okay," and it was okay. It is okay.
I still do not know what God has in store for me and I feel, ironically, like that lost kid on the first day of school.
I know someday I will look back on this time and see the purposeful hand of the lord guiding me to something else, something greater. I can not see what it is yet but I have faith that it is there. If you find your dreams have shattered and you face the the utter bewilderment of the unseen and the unknown know this: there is meaning in the seemingly madness. We can walk by faith in this life or we can stumble and fall. There is hope for the lost, the depressed, and for the frightened. I really do believe this. I hope it is not inappropriate to conclude this post in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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